I am a baby loss survivor. On August 1,  2014 my angel baby Alexandria was welcomed home to be with her Heavenly Father and from that day I was forever changed. I learned I was pregnant with Alexandria, who was unexpected,  after taking 3 pregnancy tests and having blood work done at the OB for consultation. I was beyond excited and in total shock only because I was on birth control and had no intensions on having another baby. She was the perfect plan I never thought of and God had other plans and His timing was everything.

While I was pregnant I attended all of my prenatal visits since I was considered “high risk” with my two previous pregnancies due to my history of preeclampsia. My blood pressure was always high but it was monitored without medication.

My 20 week checkup resulted in red flags and the doctors became worried so they took precautions and ordered lab work, a series of tests, and repeatedly took my blood pressure to rule out what they thought could cause complications in my pregnancy. The result came back that I had protein in my urine and my red blood count was not within normal range.

I was sent home with a urine jug and was told to return it the next day which was very  familiar to me since this was my third time having this done due to my history. I was then cleared to go home until my next checkup. My pregnancy was good up until four days before my 22 week check up which caused me to go the hospital after experiencing what I thought was indigestion and being told by my doctor to take Tums. I knew my body, and something was telling me to go the hospital, but I didn’t listen until the evening. That led me to the emergency room for upper right abdominal pain and severe tenderness. When I arrived at the hospital in so much pain and rushed up to the labor and delivery floor, I was told that I was on my death bed and was very lucky to have arrived when I did because I hadn’t I would not have been able to last another day.

Once I was admitted, the medical staff plugged me up to monitors and and inserted IVs. I realized that my life was no longer my own and that I was no longer in my right state of mind. I become completely numb-both physically and emotionally. The next morning the nurse came in my room and diagnosed me with HELLP syndrome which stands for
H-hemolysis (the breakdown of red blood cells)
EL– elevated liver enzymes (liver function)
LP– low platelets counts (platelets help the blood clot)
What this means is my kidneys and immune system was shutting down. All I heard was the attending doctor telling my husband that they needed to delivery my daughter immediately or we would risk losing both of our lives. The choice was made and I was immediately prepared for labor. During the birth of my miracle baby a white light over shadowed me and I felt like my body was no longer mine. However, I could still feel my daughter and see tiny pixels of her hands healing me from the inside. She looked at me and smiled and then she was gone. The time I had with her was bittersweet and through this experience I have gained a new perspective on life.

Since she passed away, I have asked the question of “why” over and over again and the question has been answered. What I have learned has guided me into the person I am today. Alexandria was not meant to be here for a long time. She was sent here from God to serve her purpose, which was to save her mother from a disease that she didn’t know she was fighting. Not only did she give me another chance at life, but two years later she sent down Aleece, our “Rainbow baby.”

Our Rainbow Baby, and Alexandria’s sister, Aleece.

Alexandria taught me that life is precious and should not be taken for granted. I strongly feel she is going to make sure that I demonstrate this every day by shining her light through me. She healed me from within and she made me whole again. I didn’t carry her out of the hospital in a wheelchair with a car seat safely placed on my lap. I carry her spirit in my mind, body, and most of all in my heart.

Alexandria made me an angel mommy and I promise to continue to tell her story, say her name often, inspire others, and keep smiling. Until I meet my sweet baby girl again, I will be loving her for forever.

-Written by De’Marla Harris